Dear Deb, 

I am in need of advice with no one to really discuss this with who would understand and not be judgmental.  I have read your responses to Rainman but share another perspective. I fear that I am on the road to becoming the other woman with a gentleman that has been married for 10 years. We have been corresponding online for a brief time and have become completely intrigued with each other. He has expressed his emotions for me and his desire to keep me in his life and often reveals his "lack of feeling fulfilled" in his marriage. We have never met in person but yet manage to let our conversations linger for hours on end in secrecy. It is not his intention to ever leave his wife nor would I ever pressure him to ... however, the attraction between us is often unbearable. Contrary to the beliefs of critics, he is an honest and honorable man .... who believes in the vows he has taken ... however is somehow finding a need met in me ... to the point where he refuses to view my picture fearing that he may fall in love with me ... which he is not with his wife. I question whether he is truly happy in his present situation and if not, why does the institution of marriage make one feel that they are "marked" by its symbolism especially if they unplanned, unexpectedly, not looking,  meet someone and fall in love regardless of their present situation? Please help.  

Thank you for your letter. There is no doubt that the two of you fulfill a need for each other. When two people "click", like you have, it is truly special ... and although the relationship you have is very real, it is also fantasy (in the sense that it is not a "conventional relationship" and there is no intent to make it one). He wants to keep you in his life yet is afraid to do anything that might make him fall in love with you ... I suppose that is a wise choice given his circumstances.
You questioned the institution of marriage. In a perfect world, I suppose, we would fall in love with only one person, forever and ever, and never be tempted to stray because the person we married would fulfill every need that we could possibly have. In the real world ... we make mistakes, often display bad judgment, do stupid things, and let our expectations get the better of us. Marriage is a legal contract, the financial obligations alone can prevent people from seeking a divorce. Then there's family ties, shared possessions ... and the vows "to love until death do we part." It's all so very complicated, this business of love and marriage.
You may want to consider if this relationship empowers you or not. He will not be able to fulfill all of your needs. Can you accept this relationship for what it is and expect nothing more? Can he accept the fact that you have needs and desires beyond what he is able to give and share with you, and that one day he may find that you have another man in your life? Will this relationship limit your chances of getting into any other relationships? These are important things to think about.... Deb

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