Dear Deb,
 
 I've been through a lot,  I am tired of being depressed about my life and I need some advice. I was in a wonderful relationship, for a year, with a man I really loved ... and then, everything changed. He became an entirely different person. He was no longer there for me when I needed him and he became very controlling. Our relationship ended, and ever since I haven't been able to be truly happy. I know some of the reason for my sadness is because of the pain this man caused me and because he broke a lot of promises he made when we were together. I am over him, but every time I am in new relationship, I find it hard to trust another man. On our last night together, before the big break up ... we had sex. I didn't want to do it because I was hurting and he refused to do anything about it. I was telling him things like" we shouldn't do it" and " it doesn't seem right", over and over again, but we had sex anyway.  Ever since that night, I've wondered if he took advantage of me. Do you think it was my fault? Should I have tried harder to stop him? Was he wrong to have sex with me while I was so sad and unhappy? Was he wrong or was I wrong?  I am still very hurt by this man and I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to heal from this and trust again.

Often people are on their best behavior early on in a relationship. It's a
terrible disappointment when you find the real person is not the man you fell in love with. I'm sure you have a lot of pain and sorrow over your ex.  Don't get too hung up on the fact that you had sex when it was over.  Actually, that sort of thing happens all the time. Perhaps he was hoping that his fabulous lovemaking would make you change your mind and fall in love with him. Don't laugh, some guys really think this way. Seriously, don't beat yourself up over the fact that you had sex with him. Now ... something you'll want to look at is how you are with men. Many women have low self esteem and behave in a way that allows men to control them. It's quite innocent and most people aren't even aware that they are doing it. I'm not saying that this is the case with you, but it's something to watch out for. In a way, your ex is still controlling you ... it's time to let go. Just tell yourself that this guy took advantage of your good nature and hurt you AND you're not going to let the memory of that continue to hurt you. Here is something for you to read. I wish you the best and hope to hear from you
again. -Deb

Life is a Theater-- Invite Your Audience Carefully
Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives.
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of, or at least
minimize, your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know or appreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life. "If you cannot 'change' the people around you, change the people you're around."
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