Dear Deb,

 I have found some pornographic magazines that my husband had hidden. It makes me feel just awful.  I am 38 years old, gravity is doing its thing and I have found that it  really has done a number on my self esteem.  What should I do?  I have not approached him on this yet.

I'm sure you would like to burn the magazines (and perhaps your husband with them!) but I'd like to suggest another approach. First of all, I want to tell you that many women write to me complaining that their husband (or boyfriend) looks at porn. I'm convinced that men have no idea what this can do to a woman's self esteem. Our natural reaction is to think we are not good enough. We might even analyze the women on the pages of the magazine to try and figure out WHAT it is that they are so attracted to. We can make ourselves feel even worse by trying to compare our real bodies to models that have had all sort of work done to them (breast implants, liposuction, collagen injections, etc.). The photos are usually airbrushed too so that none of the imperfections show. It's all fantasy -- very little about these women is real. 

Now, I know you are upset but I encourage you to not let this get to you. Like I've told other women ... a man could be married to a super-model and still look at porn. It's just one of those "man things" ... the excitement of the "forbidden" or something.

I don't believe in making a big deal about porn, because I think that by doing so you can make it even more enticing, or you could get into a really big fight and things could get blown out of proportion. Maybe it would be better to get some glue and glue the centerfold together (and a bunch of other pages too) and if he approaches you to ask you what happened (which I doubt he will) make like you don't know what he is talking about. How's that!! Then go out and buy yourself something nice for your trouble.

Also, make sure to take time for yourself. We often make sacrifices for the sake of our husbands (or the house or the kids) and end up neglecting ourselves. Take the time to fix your hair and dress nicely -- you'll feel better about yourself. When you feel good, you look good (and when you look good, you feel good). Nothing is prettier than a happy and smiling face! I hope gluing the pages of the magazine gives you a RADIANT glow!!

Deb
askdeb.com

submitted by one of our viewers....
The truth about men and pornography: 
Speaking from the male point of view, pornography is not a personal thing of any sort. Men are slaves to their prostate glands. The more the gland produces, the more the man has buildup and the more the man has to relieve the pressure. Imagine if you had a little balloon inside of you that when filled to some specified point, caused you to think of nothing else but sex... would that be something you'd want to have? Of course not. Pornography is a simple means to an end. Don't read anything else into it or you'll go nuts. Men masturbate to pornography. That's about all there is to it. There is no emotional attachment to it. Men are visual, women are less so. Men don't love their wives/girlfriends any less because of nude photos. Men usually begin masturbation to photography at an early age and it sometimes never goes away. It's a private matter, not something the man wants his spouse to be aware of... "Honey, I'm going to masturbate. I'll be right back." In a way, ! be thankful there is pornography - how many men would be seeking actual sexual experiences elsewhere if it didn't exist?

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