October 23, 2000 I've
been in a relationship for about four years. I'm not exactly sure
why I continue with it. The man has never asked me to move in or
to get serious. He acts like he is my boyfriend but when all is
said and done, he is still very much single. We break up every
other month, and in between these little "break ups" he sees
other women. I found phone numbers and addresses of women, and a
ton of other reasons why I should run the other way and never look
back! We've broken up a million times and even though I
desperately try to move on, I can't. I've tried dating other people but
somehow I always end up going back to him. He chases me to the
ends of the earth when he feels like he doesn't have control over me.
I have resisted him plenty of times but something always brings me back
to him. When things are good I love it. However, every time he
builds me up he only lets me down. Yes, I know all the
psychological reasons why... it stems back to my childhood of low self
esteem, I'm afraid to change, etc. You see, I am an intelligent,
educated woman who can give the best advice ever on relationships, but
when it comes to my own, I am a fool. No, a fool is someone who is
oblivious to what is going around them; me, on the other hand, I'm an
idiot because I know exactly what is going on, and I still let him be a
part of my life. I hardly talk to my friends about him anymore because
I'm too ashamed and embarrassed of how pathetic I am to allow him into
my life. I remember how one time I ended up dating a good friend
who was married (this was all before my present boyfriend) and how his
wife knew all along that he was in love me but still stayed with him
(despite the fact that he cheated on her with me and just about everyone
else -- friends, sisters, strangers, you name it). The affair only
last a little while until I finally came to my senses and broke it off.
I felt so sorry for his wife and thought to myself, how could she be so
stupid to stay with him. It was like he had a spell on her and the more
he hurt her, the more she would stay. I was more upset about hurting her
than I was that my relationship with him was over. Now I feel as
if what goes around comes around (karma) and I am just like her.
So after this long story my point is this: I know I am not
perfect, but I do believe I deserve better than my present boyfriend.
I don't believe I can break out of this without some help. How do
I leave this all behind me and finally get on with my life once
and for all????????? I know people treat you the way you allow
them to treat you so I guess I deserve everything he dishes out. I
unconditionally give and get crap in return. How do stop this???
Please help me. I
will be happy to give you my opinion on this matter. You said "I know
people treat you the way you allow them to treat you." -- that is so
true. Sometimes our expectations get us into trouble too. We often expect
people to act and behave as we do and when they don't we are disappointed. I'm
sure you have heard the expression "when life gives you lemons, make
lemonade", well there is truth in that also. If you could "not
care" about this guy (meaning "not care if you ever get
serious" and "not care if he sees other women") then you could
have some control over your emotions and with that, the possibility of a
healthier relationship. Or, you could make a clean break of him ... but then
you will probably set yourself for "more-of-the-same" with the next
guy that comes into your life. People with low self esteem often find people
that reinforce their low self esteem, so it would be quite natural for history
to repeat itself. I'm suggesting that you "use" this guy (like an
experiment) to break way from your "old ways". You don't have
to claim to love him or be dishonest. You don't have to be a witch either.
Just ease up a little on the giving and let him contribute to you. Enjoy him
for what he is and expect nothing more. He will probably get a little
antsy if he senses that he is losing control -- don't let him overpower you.
BE STRONG and tell him something like "Your actions (or words) right
now are a contradiction to your "normal behavior". You've repeatedly
made it clear that you are not interested in a serious relationship with me
and I have now accepted this as normal and take you for what you are, so don't
insult my intelligence by pretending to be something you are
not."
If
anyone out there has something to say on this subject?
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