Dear Deb ... Why do I have an overpowering urge to have an affair?

Dear Deb...

Q. Dear Deb... Tell me if I'm crazy or not! Why do I have an over powering urge to have an affair? And this is not a mid-life crisis. Although I am over 40 I feel like I'm stuck somehow in not experiencing all the things I wanted too. Rainman

A. Dear Rainman... You're not crazy. Let me ask you this, have you met someone and now want to have an affair with this person, OR... do you just want to have an affair? Talk to you soon, Deb

Q. Deb.... Since you asked me the question of "whether I am having an affair now or just want one period". The answer is ..yes to both. But, it did start out as 'just wanting one' I think. My children are grown and all but one is out of the house. I think that I started to look at my life then. Don't get me wrong... I love my wife. We just don't get along in certain 'areas' of being together. The excitement is gone and I am not sure I want to try and 'get it back' because I feel that it will never be better than it is now. I'll say more later. Rainman

A. Dear Rainman... There is nothing quite so exciting as "new love". But, having an affair can be a sticky situation. How long have you been having this affair? Is she married too? Deb

Q. Dear Deb... This affair has been going on for only two months, at the most. Now your REALLY going to think I'm crazy because I have been having an online 'affair' with another woman for 6 months. I can't help but feel like I've been "starved" for so long. The woman I am having this affair with is not married but does live with a guy.. and has been for six years. For a while now he has lost interest in sex. She thinks he's gay. I would almost have to agree, since I find her so exciting I can't understand what his problem could be! Rainman

A. Dear Rainman... I don't think you are crazy for having an online affair -- it's probably a lot "safer" than the physical one you are having. I'm not sure it's possible for two people have an affair and have it be only sexual. What would happen if you fell in love with the woman you're having an affair with or she with you? Do you think you love your wife any less since you've been having an affair? I know I'm asking a lot of questions, but I think it's important to get a clear picture of the entire situation. Deb

Q. Dear Deb... You asked "Can two people have an affair and have it only sexual?" NO I don't. An affair is a whole lot more than a 'one night stand'. There are feelings involved. But I do believe that men and women can love more than one person at the same time. To a different degree. Although our relationship is great, she isn't quite the kind of woman I would fall in love with. I know you'll tell me that..." sex isn't everything." But I feel that for men it is a lot. At least for me and that is where the problem arises in my marriage By the way...I work with a bunch of guys. And I am sure you can figure out what is said most of the time... I think I am the only one in the bunch to have the nerve to do what they all secretly wish to do. Please don't show my e-mail address. Rainman

A. Dear Rainman, Don't worry, I'll never reveal your e-mail address... your secrets are safe with me. I'd be a bit more concerned about telling the guys at work what you're up to though. Now, back to your affair... You say she isn't the kind of woman you would fall in love with but yet there are feelings involved. I'm sure this affair fulfills a basic "need" for both of you and although that can be a wonderful thing there are many other things to consider. Deb

Q. Dear Deb...The ‘guys’ at work know nothing about this, nor do I want them to know. I am not the bragging type. I guess I don’t mind you putting my questions and answers on your page. People are either going to laugh about this or relate to it in some way. I wonder sometimes if this is just a male thing. I have thought about it more since you asked me all of those questions. Could this be some kind of ‘Basic Instinct’ thing? What I mean is...in the animal world a male lion will have a mate, yet, also a pride of females. All I can say right now is that I am needing something I am not finding at home. Excitement! Rainman

A. Dear Rainman... Basic Instinct, huh? Hope it never becomes a Fatal Attraction for your sake. We wouldn't want you to end up like Michael Douglas now would we? Seriously, I don't know if I buy that "double standard", although it's possible that women have created the concept of "relationship/marriage" to keep that male lion coming back home to momma lion Right now you might feel that you are having the time of your life... just keep in mind that this bit of fun you are having could seriously alter life as you know it. Are you OK with that? Deb

Reply from Rainman...

It already has altered my life as I knew it! I don't know how or when it will end. But.... I have done and felt things I would never have, without the affair/affair's. So I think I can live with it. I'll go with a smile on my face no matter what! "Life is not tried, if just merely survived" Garth Brooks.

Reply from Denise...

Rainman, I am 42yrs old. Never been married. Female. I have many, many friends who at the "magic" age of 40
suddenly felt empty, unfulfilled, bored, lost and/or tired. Most of these people were/are married. Most of them found that wonderful little thing called "EXCITEMENT", with other people. Unfortunately, the price of "EXCITEMENT" is most often very, very high. Remember this. At the cost of "EXCITEMENT" many lives were damaged. In many different ways. The grass always looks greener on the other side. One of the things I've learned about marriages, is this.. Marriage is hard work.. and most people don't want to work at it. And that is a shame. Rainman, before you do something which could be devastating to your family, try to work things out. Remember the qualities that attracted you to your wife in the beginning. Draw on your shared experiences and realize that it is those experiences that create bonds, that you will never have with someone else. And remember, sometimes it is better to stick with what you know, than to change to someone you don't know. There's a lot of stuff out there Rainman. A lot. Good Luck and Think Twice.

Reply from Rainman...

Denise.... I know what you are saying. But, I am trying to figure things out...if I want to throw away all that I have in my relationship with my wife. This is purely a sexual thing.. I have and am still trying to get my wife to be.... a little different. It is hard for her. She is an attractive woman but has a 'religious' background that makes it hard for me to get her to thinking in a different mode.. not that it is against her beliefs in any way. Like ... making love outdoors..."Oh, no.. what if someone will see us?" that sort of thing... I know that there is probably no one that could ever replace the love and wonderful times we have had. I hope that this is like a fever that will run it's course...

To Rainman...

Why do seemingly happily married men cheat?

Reply from Rainman...

My dear, you have answered your own question in a way... it only appears that they are happy. A happily married man doesn't cheat. As in my case... I am not happy in only one area of my marriage.. but it is a very important area. Women cheat too, for the same reasons. Money and sex.... the two biggest problems in marriages. Money has never been a problem for us but sex has crept it's way into mine. I figured I would get blasted for saying the things I have... I am 48 but look younger, have a good looking body compared to most men my age.... yeah, I've compared myself to them. I still like sex as often as I can get it...but the once every three weeks isn't getting it anymore! I thought women were suppose to become more active later in life... I'm still waiting for my wife to come around!!! This is not a question of do I love my wife.. I do. But more of how much do I love her? Do I go the rest of my life wishing for things I know I will never experience with her?

Reply from Curious to know... I read this online and was wondering what you think about it? "...if a person is jeopardizing their marital relationship by having an affair, the affair becomes a significant relationship, whether the person having it acknowledges feeling that way or not. When the relationship is in danger, there is no such thing as a "casual affair." The affair is significant by its consequences, if not by its level of emotional satisfaction or declared importance."

Reply from Rainman...
I have to agree with that statement pretty much. An affair is quite different than a once in a life 'one night stand'. I will speak from experience here... Yes, there is 'commitment' from me to her and there are feelings involved. We enjoy our time together very much. Yes, it would be devastating if my wife found out! At this point I am ready to face the music should she decide to leave me before I have the chance to change the lack of sex in our relationship. I would still love her and give her have of everything we have. I would rather start over with little and be happy than to stay and have no sex life at home!

another point of view...

I'm right in line with Rainman. I love my wife too. And she is a great mother to my kids. But sex is a once every 3 month type of thing. And it's awful when it happens. Wham, bam and get off me. I have tried flowers, poems, jewelry, romantic dinners, weekends, etc. Sex is just not a subject she will discuss. There is no what if or have you tried this. It's cruel is what it is. And I will not consider divorce until my kids are independent. I am actively seeking a sex partner. No more than that. Yes I realize there is danger involved but should a person, man or woman, have to suffer abandonment?

Reply from Deb...
I agree that a person should not have to suffer abandonment. It is a shame that your wife won't even discuss sex. When is the last time you tried to romance her? Does she feel good about herself? I think that is one of the most important things for women (especially wives that have been married a while and have children). Her life may be so caught up in her daily chores and care giving that she neglects herself. If she doesn't feel good about herself she'll hardly feel sexy.

Your thoughts here?

reply ...
It might be a good time to start romancing the stone once again. I've tried a few times in the last few years with no success. But, I've got a new attitude!!

to Another Point of View from Rainman:
Our Miss Deb seems to have some excellent points about why this has happened. Have you both 'ever' talked about sex? I don't think romancing is the problem. Communication seems to be! Your age and background can play a lot into this as it did mine. My gut feeling for you is to look close at what might happen. I don't know if there are many women willing to have a long term affair. My update will follow shortly.

Latest Posting from Rainman and update...
Rainman here. Just giving everyone an update on myself. Since I have voiced my opinion on some of the others that have come to "ask deb", I hope I haven't confused anyone with my opinions... Life is confusing enough, even at my age! In fact, I am confused with my own situation. I am still following the passion and lust I have longed for. My wife and I started to...."click" a little better. And we have kind of hit a lull. But I am determined to work at it more. I do love her and always will. My problem is I (we) never learned or had the wild abandoned sex life when we first got married. And raising a family does take a lot of the opportunity away! Men and women need to get together more and really figure things out! "They" say women become more sexually active again after 40. I am finding that out! Boy am I !!!

To Rainman and anyone else who cares

I too have the same problem, but it is with my husband. I am very happily married but often think about having relations with other men. I know it is because of the same "area" you are having problems in. I do love my husband, but need more in this certain area. That's pretty much all that is lacking.....for the most part. I work with a guy who drives me crazy, he has just this unexplainable something that makes me want to be with him. And as a women I have a keen sense that he wouldn't mind either. There is very much flirting between the two of us. One night while taking a shower, it dawned on me, is it worth losing all I have with my husband? All we have shared? All of our love for each other? But then I also think "what the hell, he wouldn't have to know" A good friend of mine was telling me that why ruin something that is generally good, just fix the problem....... Wanting a little more

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from Rainman, on Sex & Relationships

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