Dear Deb ... He loves me but doesn't want to get serious

Dear Deb...

Q. Hello... my name is Melissa and I am an 18 year old female. My boyfriend and I of two years broke up about one month ago and he says he left me because we were having too many problems and there was no time for a relationship. We both go to school and he works also. We only saw each other once a week and for a few hours. So he decided to go. Now here's the problem....we still speak, see each other, and kiss as if we were still together. As a matter of fact he goes out of his way now to see me so we see each other more now than we did when we were together. I don't know how to handle this. I still love him and I know he still loves me. What do I do? I want to make it work and he says he does too but he is too confused . Help!! Thank You!
-Melissa

A. Dear Melissa... Enjoy the time you have with him. Don't smother him or try to win him back. In fact, it's best if you can keep your emotions at bay and be a little mysterious. Not put off, just a little mysterious. You said that he broke up with you because you had too many problems. What type of problems did you have? How old is he?

When guys say they are too confused it can mean almost anything but usually means "I want the option to date other people but I don't want to tell you that because I don't want to hurt you and lose you". Don't pressure him into a committed relationship -- if he is not ready, there is nothing you can do about it. Don't compromise yourself either, in other words don't try to be someone you are not in order to win him over. He obviously likes you. Enjoy the attention.
I hope to hear from you again, so we can discuss this further.
-Deb

Q. Thank You for replying to my problem. You asked how old he was and he is 18 ... going to be 19 in March. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all with anyone. I do try to keep busy without him so he knows that I'm not sitting around waiting for his call. So there is that little "mystery" to me for him to wonder about. (lol). Also the types of problems we were having were that we were arguing a lot and bickering at each other over little things. I am still in love with him and he says he is with me too. So I am very confused. Also he asked me about still having an intimate relationship together. I don't know how to react to that -- I mean we were each other's firsts and we aren't with anyone else and I personally wouldn't mind being intimate with someone I'm already comfortable with but on the other hand I don't want him to think that he is still getting what he wants. Should I get what I want and give it to him too, or should I hold out?????

Thank You for your time and advice!!!
-Melissa

A. Dear Melissa... He says that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anybody which basically means that he is not ready to settle down with anybody and wants to keep his options open. At 18 going on 19, this is very normal. The two of you have a love for each other. You were each other's "first love" which is a special type of bond. You never forget your first love.

Women have a different view of relationships than men do. There are lots of good books on the subject (I can recommend a few, if you'd like). Don't be upset that he doesn't feel the way you do -- it's nothing personal.

It's probably best that you use this opportunity to date other guys, work on your education/career, develop friendships and have fun. You can still see him, go out together and be intimate if YOU want to. Don't do anything that you don't want to do. It's really not about punishing him or rewarding him or doing something to get something.

There may come a time where he will announce that HE is ready for a committed relationship. If that time comes you can act on it, but don't wait around expecting him to come around if you "do this or say that" because you will only set yourself up for disappointment.

How do you feel about the comments I've made here? Hope to hear from you soon.

Follow up from Melissa...
Thank You so much for your advice. You answered every question I had and I am not doubtful about any of the decisions I will make. You were able to give me the advice that I have not gotten from anyone else. Everyone I ask that's close to me tells me they don't know what to tell me and it's all up to me. Thank you, I appreciate your words of advice!!! I will keep you posted! :-)

People helping people. Read what others have to say ... Melissa, Love that name! I have a daughter with the same one. She 28... but I have another who's 19. All I can say about this is ditto, ditto, ditto. Heck, at 18 you can't expect to know what you want nor does he. Give yourselves some room to breath... and time to learn. Men do love mysterious women! And if you ever get married... well you can both laugh at how you dangled the 'bait' before him.... It's better to get the arguing and bickering out now, than after your married. The price is always higher later ... I know!! Comment from Rainman

If anyone out there has something to say on this subject? Click here

Want to write to Deb about something else? Click here