Dear Deb

Dear Deb...

Q. Dear Deb... My ex-girlfriend is 13 years younger than I am (I'm 31) and we really never got the chance to be more than friends because of her father. You see Brad (her father) and I were friends that's how I met Deborah (my ex-girlfriend) and the more we got to know each other the more we liked about one another, the more we seemed to have in common and then in MAY of 1997 Deborah tried to kill herself and she was taken out of the custody of her grandparents and put into the custody of her father in AUG 1997 well her birthday was in SEPT and her father let her get drunk and then he molested her (I didn't know that until she told me JUNE or JULY of 1999) well anyway every time I tried to get close he would find a way to interfere and we never started going out together until she was of legal age and now ever since she told me about what her father did she won't return my letters, she want come to see me, her father won't let me come to see her, and to be completely honest I'm heartbroken because I love her and I'm in love with her and I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with her. I know this all sounds insane but I just can't imagine my life without her and as hard as I've tried over the last seven months to move on I can't I've cried myself to sleep almost every night since that fateful day I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone (except for my Dad he passed away this year) and I just don't know how to go on with this emptiness. Can you please help PLEASE. Sincerely Your New Friend, J.D.

A. Dear J.D. ... You are going through a tough time. You recently lost your father and you are afraid you'll lose Deborah. Your feelings of emptiness are very real. I know what it's like to lose a loved one and the best thing I can tell you is time heals. Sometimes you just have to "be with" your feelings. You will probably go through stages of denial, anger, frustration and finally acceptance of what's occurred. Then there will be peace and you will find comfort in remembering your father's greatness.

You are experiencing similar feelings with Deborah. You can either "be with your feelings" and go through the stages (denial, anger, frustration, acceptance, peace) or take action and try to complete your relationship (or at least try to help her).

Deborah seems like a very troubled girl. No doubt her father is preventing her from seeing you in one form or another. She might be way too embarrassed to see you after she told you that he molested her.

Have you confronted Brad about this? Are you still friends with Brad?

Why did Deborah move in with her grandparents to begin with? Why did she try to commit suicide and who's idea was it to move back with her father? Do you think Deborah is depressed and might try to commit suicide again? Are there any other family members or friends that could intervene?

I look forward to hearing from you soon and discussing this further. Meanwhile, I'd like you to do one nice thing for yourself today. It could be as simple as buying yourself a little present, playing some music that you love and haven't heard in a long time, taking a long walk, calling an old friend or whatever you can do to make yourself happy or someone else happy if even for a moment. - Deb

Q. Dear Deb...I thank you for such a quick response and now I'll try to answer some of your questions. No, I haven't confronted Brad because to be honest I don't think I could keep from hurting him. Which I guess answers if we are still friends or not (WE ARE NOT NOR DO I BELIEVE WE EVER CAN BE FRIENDS AGAIN). Deborah was taken from her father when her mother died when she was four because Brad lost it and couldn't take care of himself more or less her.

It was hers and her fathers idea for her to move in with him because her grandparents were not giving her any breathing room in her life. I mean she couldn't have a job, she couldn't stay at a friends house, nothing they lived in the dark ages and she needed space to grow.

As far as the suicide she has tried to do it three times that I know of the first time was because a boy used her for sex and then dumped her. (She was living with her grandparents) The second time was over a boy that said he loved her but found out later that he wasn't in love with her (still with her grandparents) and the last time was just after the incident with her father. (She was living with him then) five months later in like FEB. or MAR. we started seeing each other again. (friends only)

I really don't know if she would try to kill herself again, it scares me to think about it to tell you the truth. Ya know I just don't understand this, women are always saying that they wish (if they don't already have one) they could find a good man and I don't mean to blow my own horn but damn it I'm a good man I'm romantic, I'm somewhat spiritual, I'm not great looking but I've got a good sense of humor and a good heart and for once I'd like to be happy too.

You are right about me being afraid of losing Deborah that scares me to death I honestly can't see my future being very bright without her. Ya know I never thought that I could love anyone this much or this completely it sometimes scares me a little.

This is sad but I feel all of this for someone who I haven't even slept with, hell to be totally honest I don't know how she even feels about me right now. I just hope and pray that she will come back to me but I just don't know what to do, sit and wait or take my chances by throwing caution to the wind and taking what I want.

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING
Your Friend J.D.

PS here is a poem I wrote hope you like it

UPON DRAGONS WINGS AND DRAGONS EYES
ONE OF WHICH HE USES TO SEE
ONE OF WHICH HE USES TO FLY
THEY SAY TO LIVE BY THE SWORD
IN THAT WAY YOU ALSO SHALL DIE
BUT NOT IF YOU LIVE UPON DRAGONS WINGS
AND SEE THROUGH DRAGONS EYES
By The Dragon

A. Dear J.D. ... Deborah seems to be run by her emotions, which is not uncommon. I'm afraid the next time she is let down by a relationship she might try to kill herself again. You could help her by suggesting she go for counseling. As your friend, I can't really recommend that you pursue a serious relationship with an unstable person. You, as her friend, can offer to help her out and if and when she is "healthy" then consider taking the relationship further.

I used to believe in fairy tale love but found that when your head is in the clouds it's hard to make clear choices. Sometimes we choose what we cannot have and then get terribly disappointed.

You said that right now you don't even know how Deborah feels about you. If we are dealing with an emotionally unstable person, it's best that you remain friends only until she is emotionally healthy. Do you know of anyone that is in contact with her now? Can you get a message to her to ask her if she is OK? Please let me know. It was nice of you to share your poem. Thank you.

If anyone out there has something to say on this subject? Click here

Want to write to Deb about something else? Click here