Dear Deb...'m a 25 yr old mother trying to protect 5 yr old son

Dear Deb...

Q. Dear Deb... I'm a 25 yr old mother trying to protect 5 yr old son. Please read attached letter. It explains everything. Signed, Desperate.

A. Dear Desperate... I will post your letter in hopes to help you and others that might be in similar situations. I will change some of the names to protect "the innocent".
(Please note that the subject matter of this letter may be unsuitable for some people)

January 4, 2000

To Whom It May Concern,

How do you write a letter to everyone so that an important, serious issue is taken care of right, just, and legally?

My husband, Tim, and I have been fighting a battle for innocence. Ask yourselves a few questions while reading this letter.

Does a child that just turned 5 years old come out and say that he is being touched sexually and why is that child so explicit?
Why do the "professionals" think that a child, (especially at this young age) is going to trust them (the professionals) more than their (the child’s) own parents?
Why is the innocent always the ones ending up being punished and the guilty ones are the ones who are protected?
How come we tell our children to tell us that if anyone touches them or hurts them and when they do, nobody wants to listen?

We have finally reached an age where our morals have become more defined but have been more and more turned away because nobody wants to hear or see the problems around us. They have enough problems of their own. Eventually, the problem will become theirs because it may happen to someone that they love or care about. Is this what it takes for people to listen to our own children. Children who depend, rely, and TRUST us. Us, who are the people that make up our whole way of life. The postal service, policemen and women, the justice system…etc. We are all someone’s mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters… you get the idea. So how do we, as people, manage to survive? Easy! Greed, lust, just a few examples. Because of greed, we get more money or find a way to do it and therefore, buy things for our children as a bribe to keep them busy so that you can make more money. There has been no effort to really spend time with our children to help them and give them moral values. The point of this letter is not to gripe at people for their problems, but to open their eyes to what could be their problem.

My husband and I have been having problems with my son. Arin, my son, for over two years now, has been very persistent about not going to his (my ex- husband) father’s house. Tim and I thought it was a phase of separation anxiety. Around the middle of 1998, Arin was more persistent than ever. We tried to convince him that I was not going to leave him but nothing we said or did seemed to change his mind. When Tim and I got married, Arin threw a tantrum like never before. Screaming, crying, kicking and fighting not to go to his dads. This was in front of my maid of honor, my in-laws and others. We finally decided, even after that fit, to take him to a psychologist. In October of 1999, I called a whole bunch of lawyers to see what I could do about getting sole custody or a custody modification. They all told me that we should get my son to a therapist first and they all recommended Jen Thompson. She came very highly recommended. I called and made an appointment for Arin to go and of coarse, we went. I told Jen that Arin didn’t want to go to his dads and that we needed to know why. I also told her that Arin was usually pretty shy about talking to people. Arin went into her office and not 10 minutes later, she and Arin came back out. I went back into her office and she told me that Arin was not that shy. He went in and complimented her on her office and started talking to her like he knew her forever. She said that Arin told her that his daddy spanks him all the time and most of the time Arin doesn’t even know why he gets spanked. He also gets put in time out a lot and daddy does something really bad but he didn’t want to talk about it. That was about it for that session. We made an appointment for a week later and again Arin said the same thing. We knew then that it would probably take a while before Arin could open up about what that bad thing that daddy did was. October 22^nd, 1999, I was babysitting my sister’s 4 kids and Arin and my nephew came running into the kitchen and yelled "It was an accident, it was an accident." I thought oh man. They broke something. I asked them both what happened and my nephew said, " Arin said a bad word." I told my nephew that I needed to know what Arin said so that I could correct him and my nephew said, "Arin said, F--- me." I told my nephew to go into his room and play for awhile so that I could talk to Arin. He went into his room and Arin and I went into the kitchen to talk. I sat down in front of Arin and asked him who he had heard that word from. He said, "I said it." I told him that I understood that he said it but who said it in front of you, and again, he said, "I said it." I said, "Okay, Arin, who said those words in front of you that you thought that it was okay to say them, too?" He told me, "My daddy said it to me." I asked him if he knew why his daddy said it to him and he said that his daddy was mad at him and threw one of his toys down on the ground and looked at him and said those words to him. I told Arin that I would talk to his daddy to make sure that he wouldn’t say those words again. I also told Arin that he shouldn’t say those words again because God doesn’t like to hear those words and they are bad. I started to get up off the floor and Arin said, " Mommy, I’m scared of my daddy." I sat back down and asked him why was he scared of his daddy. He told me that his daddy spanked him and put him in time out. I told him I spank him and put him in time out and he isn’t scared of me. He said, "Daddy…he…", and he stopped and looked at the floor. I put my finger under his chin and pushed up on it a little and asked him what was wrong. He started to whine and again I asked him what was wrong. He finally looked at me and said, "My daddy pulls my winky." I asked him if daddy accidentally pulled or bumped it while Arin was in the tub. Arin’s EXACT words were, "Nooo, it’s at night in my bed." What the heck was I supposed to think. I continued to ask him questions hoping there was some kind of misinterpretation. But the more I asked, the more it was getting me more upset. Arin became more EXPLICIT in his answers when none of my questions were. I did ask him if he was shown any magazines of girls and he told me that his daddy gives him (Arin) his daddy’s camera to take pictures of his daddy’s winky. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!!!! Tim and I called the Avondale police that night at 8pm and we had to call Phoenix police because the "crime" happened in that vicinity. We were told that we needed to make a choice between going into phoenix and meet the police somewhere or have some sent out to our home. Of coarse, I couldn’t go into Phoenix, because, regardless of what anyone thinks, my son is very good with direction and knowing where he is. So we told them to PLEASE send someone out to our home. 11pm came around and no one came. I called back and asked them what was going on. I’ve been waiting for three hours to have someone come out and my son was getting tired. They told me that they were going to talk to him and we were getting a little impatient. They told me that they had just had a shift change and they would send somebody out as soon as they could. We waited and waited and finally Arin fell asleep about midnight. I fell asleep around 2:30am. There was finally a knock on our door at 4:22am. I woke Tim up and one of the officers went into the bedroom to talk to Tim alone. The other officer talked to me and asked me what Arin had said. I told him exactly everything and asked him if they still wanted to talk to Arin. They said no but they wanted to look at his legs and chest to see if there were any marks on his body. I lifted his shirt and his pant legs and they shone a flashlight on him and looked. They told me that CPS was going to be involved and that they probably weren’t going to have anyone sent out because it was the weekend. I went back to bed after they left.

Later on that day, there was a knock on the door. It was CPS. I was really surprised that they had sent anyone out. They sent a lady out and I asked her what could we do about this situation. She told me that there was going to be a detective assigned to the case and that it was not a good idea for her to talk to Arin either. I was a little confused because this was an opportunity for someone to hear this little boy say what he needed to say. She left and that was it. Monday, we got a call from the detective, Julie Roberts. She asked me if Arin and I could come out the next day, which was Tuesday. I had to call my sister to make other arrangements for a babysitter and I called Julie back and we were to go the next day at 1pm.

Arin and I got there before 1pm, went up to the receptionist and signed in. There was a playroom on the left and Arin went into it. I told him it would be okay and that I wouldn’t be too long. CPS sent a male worker, (WHY? Arin’s being molested by a male), and he called me in to talk to me and ask me some questions. By the time we got to the signing of the agreement, Tina, (I can’t remember her last name), the forensic detective, came in the room and asked us to follow us into her office. This was supposed to be an interview of some kind and it felt like an interrogation. Every single question they asked, I answered honestly. What would I gain by lying? There were a couple of things that bothered me throughout the whole thing. The CPS worker was DOZING OFF during the questioning and he wasn’t paying too much close attention to what was being said. When they were done, Julie, the detective assigned to the case, told me that they were going to interview Arin. It seemed to be hours until Julie came in to talk to me. For one, she was not in the interview with me when I was being questioned. Two, she comes in and tells me that Arin admitted on audio AND videotape that his father does pull on his penis through his underwear. I asked her what we could do about prosecuting this man and she said that it was invalid or that it was not enough to even investigate. WHAT????? She told me that because I was molested when I was a child, that I was trying to see into something that wasn’t there. That just ticked me off even more. She had the nerve to ask me why I had come and I told her that my son told me his father was pulling on his private parts and she tells me that I’m making it up!!!! Give me a break! Judy also told me that Tina was the only one in the room with Arin. Arin and I left and got into the car. As soon as I got him into his seatbelt, I asked him what they had said to him. Arin told me, "I can’t tell you." (Doesn’t that seem a little off?) I asked him why. He told me that they had told him they couldn’t talk to me about it anymore. I asked him what couldn’t he talk to me about anymore and he told me, his winky. (What the H. E. double hockey sticks is going on here?) I asked him who they were and Arin told me that it was a man and 2 women. Now, Julie told me that Arin was alone with Tina the whole time. I find that pretty odd considering my 5 year old son is telling me who was with him in the room. Why are these people trying to hide these things? I went home and told my husband what happened and he wasn’t too thrilled about it either.

So what were my options? I could take off with him or I could keep trying to do things legally. Tim and I went to the justice court in Tolleson and filed for an Order of Protection. The judge asked me some questions, said he had heard enough and granted the order. My husband and I had been praying for this and we got it. 10 days later we got notice that my ex-husband wanted a hearing for the order to try to change it. Tim and I could not find a lawyer to help or afford it either for that matter. We had an affidavit from Arin’s therapist saying what Arin had admitted to her and the judge WOULDN’T look at it. They dismissed the order because we didn’t have any representation. Everything I said and my husband said was hearsay. His lawyer tried to get me for attorney’s fees and lost that. I don’t understand any of this. When it comes to courts, I am the only one who can truly speak for my son. You can not put a 5-year-old up on the stand, especially after what he has been going through. His lawyer told us that my ex was going to pick up Arin in an hour and wanted to know where. My exact words to my ex were, "You know where I live!" I went home, packed a whole bunch of things, clothes, etc… and left with Arin. I was in hiding for 3-3 1/2 weeks.

We finally got a retainer of $2000 for a lawyer and got me out of hiding. First, my husband called the sheriff’s office and checked to see if I had any warrants or if there were any charges of kidnapping. NONE!!! Why? If you were innocent of a molestation charge, and were truly worried about your child, wouldn’t you try to get a warrant out?

Our lawyer put in the paperwork for temporary emergency custody orders and considering the seriousness of the charge, it was granted. Yes, I have temporary custody but it seems that nobody wants to listen to the tapes that my husband and I did with Arin. These are videotapes. We have no money to keep up with the lawyer and keep our apartment. We are in such a puddle of glue. We do need some kind of help but more than ever, we need the support of people who cares what happens to the innocence of a little boy of 5.

His father has supervised visitation and for Christmas weekend, Arin’s grandfather was the supervisor. I was against that because he is just as a pain as his son. He is hard headed and always needs to get his way. During the visitation, Arin told us that he was in fact, left alone with his father outside. Outside or not, he is not allowed to be left alone with him. The next day visitation, we drove up to pick Arin up and there he was left alone again. As soon as his father saw us drive up and stop, he went inside to get the grandfather. After Arin got into the car, we asked him what his grandfather was doing inside the house, leaving him alone with his daddy and Arin told us because grandpa was getting ready to leave on his long trip back home. So much for following the rules. Arin also told us that daddy said to say that he doesn’t pull on Arin’s winky. Then Arin said, "But I thought he did." Then Arin told us that daddy told Arin that if he told anyone, he was going to pull on Arin’s winky. Again, what’s WRONG with this? This last visit, the roommate was the supervisor and there were some things wrong with that. We have, ON TAPE, Arin saying that his daddy and him were in the living room alone and his daddy pulled on his winky again. I am tired of people acting like everything is okay. My ex-husband went as far as getting me a birthday gift for my birthday this month. He acts like nothing is going on. He acted like this when I had him arrested for domestic violence in 1995. I promised my son that I would protect him and I’m getting REALLY tired of the system screwing us around.

Here are some of the explicit things that Arin has told me.

Daddy pulls on my winky.
When daddy’s done pulling on my winky, he goes in the bathroom and pulls on his.
When daddy pulls on his, milk comes out of his winky in the toilet.
Daddy gives me a camera so I can take pictures of his winky.
His camera has pictures come out.
When daddy’s done pulling on his winky, he yells at me and calls me stupid.
Daddy’s naked pictures of girls are on his book thing. (bookshelf)
Daddy puts his finger up my butt to try to dig something out.

This is a 5-year-old saying these thing and all I’m doing is trying to tell people that THIS IS GOING ON!!! My husband and I don’t know what else to do. For the past 3-4 months, I have been dealing with my son waking up with nightmares two, maybe even three times a night and he is too afraid to talk about it. He has been potty trained for quite a long time now and all of a sudden he is wetting the bed more than he ever has before. What is it going to take to protect our children? Have we become that blind? We are God fearing and praying people. We have tried and will still continue to teach and raise our children morally. That will never stop.

If anyone has any suggestions or would like to make a donation, our address is 1333 N. Dysart Rd #193, Avondale, AZ 85323. Prayers would be a BIG help. You can also contact us through our e-mail. Here are our e-mail addresses. hughesniki@hotmail.com or hughestimothy@hotmail.com Please, we hope that someone will hear this with their heart and help in any way possible.

Thank You,

Mrs. Nicole L. Hughes
Mr. Timothy Hughes

Reply to Dear Desperate, from Rainman
I can only tell you what I would do.
1. Live like a hermit and save every penny. Then hire someone to break in and find the pictures and any other evidence that might point to the situation. Take it, hide it, or protect it then dig a hole and cover it up. Only you should know where it is. Don't even tell your husband, after he sees it.

2.Get a friend called Smith and Wesson. Tell your EX at a time when only he can hear you, that if your son EVER comes home again with another story. You won't have a problem taking care of him yourself!

If it had been me in your situation I would already be in jail.
Rainman.

Reply to Dear Desperate, from Donna
Supervised visitation should be in a public place of your choice!

If anyone out there has something to say on this subject? Click here

Want to write to Deb about something else? Click here

A safe search!
For Kids

Homework Help