Dear Deb...Is it unusual to have an affair without intimacy?

Dear Deb...

Q. Dear Deb... My wife and I were friends with another a couple up until two years ago, when the other woman and I admitted to each other we had strong feelings for one another. After seeing each other on the side for about a month, her husband caught us and we told our spouses that was the end of our affair. It is now two years later and we continue to see each other in secret and talk on the phone. We love each other very much. We haven't divorced our spouses because we don't want to hurt our children at this time. My question is....we have never had sex. I have brought it up twice in the two years that it is something I desire, but she is afraid things will change and afraid she could never face her husband again. Is this a little unusual to have a two year affair and not have sex....or is this something I should cherish... the fact that our love is so strong that we don't need the sex part...(although I would really like to get intimate physically). What do you think?

A. Under the circumstances I agree it is best that the two of you NOT get intimate physically. I think in your case, once you've "crossed over that line" there may be no turning back -- too many people stand to get hurt, especially the children. If the two of you truly love each other it's probably best that you don't consummate your relationship until you complete your current relationships.

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Q. Deb, I am the one who wrote you this letter in the beginning. That was last fall, and now here it is a new year. Although you have advised not to pursue the intimacy of our relationship, we have talked recently about finally having a sexual relationship. I know you say that is wrong, but if we love each other so much is it wrong not to have sex? Because of schedules and conflicting dates, out BIG moment wont happen for another month, so if you have any advice to pass along please do so. I honestly don't see how this can hurt the love we have for one another.

A. It's not wrong to want to be intimate when you love each other, it's quite natural. I'm sure you'll both be nervous and it might even be a bit awkward, but that's quite normal too. It's not going to hurt the love you have for each other unless you subscribe to the notion that a relationship based on "cheating" is doomed from the get-go. I mention this only because many people really do believe this to be true. It may cause you more than a few sleepless nights, though. Have you given any thought to what might happen once you take your relationship to the next step? ... with your best interests in mind. Deb

Reply To Affair with no Sex from Rainman:
You Must have been a Saint or have high moral standards. How have you lasted so long? Just ask yourself one thing... Are you ever planning to leave your wife? What you are about to embark on is a difficult journey. I know. I am currently having an affair. And it's hard to keep it purely sexual. Which seems to be the opposite of your situation. For me, I would find it hard to have love for someone and not have sex. I say..."Go for it..." Rainman.

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