Dear Deb...I was with an emotional abuser for six years.

Dear Deb...

Q. I was with an emotional abuser for six years. I loved him, but ... I broke up with him, even though he promised he would change. It didn't take very long for me to meet someone else and we've been together now, for six months. He talks to me how I'd like to be talked to. I could have easily forgotten my former lover ... but moving on with this man isn't really working either. He confesses his undying love to me but leaves me home all the time. He has a substance abuse problem and his drug addiction comes first and foremost. He neglects me and many other responsibilities including paying the bills. I know he is really a nice guy and I guess had the addiction not existed maybe we could have a future together. Due to my unhappiness, all I think about is my ex and how we had a good relationship other than his short temperedness (name calling, etc.). Both say they'll change. I can't seem to be alone. I hate the idea of not having someone. I'm 24 years old. I want a husband and a child. Please help me. what do I do??????

A. It's normal to want a husband and children but it would be horrible to put yourself in a compromising situation, "putting up with stuff" just to have a husband. It can be wonderfully romantic to get married and set up house together and have children ... but if your mate is a substance abuser or emotionally abuses you ... that is no life for you and certainly no life for a child. In today's society it is not unusual for women to have children WITHOUT a husband (so, don't necessarily rule out that option). Also, woman can have children when they are well into their forties or more ... so, don't get wrapped up in the notion of your biological time clock ticking away. Even though the thought of NOT having a man in your life scares you, think of how it would be if every day of your life you were afraid to come home to that man in your life, not knowing what he would do to you (yell and scream, hit you, spend all your money, try to take away your happiness, etc.). That would be a lot worse in my book. Now, my advice is to not get too caught up on the substance abuser or the emotional abuser. It would be best if you could make a clean break from both of them and in doing so, you will be available again and "an opening" for a really good man. Be a little picky ... think long term and don't rush into anything.

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