July 17, 2000

Q. Dear Deb,
 I have a question that should be quite interesting for you.  I am a single male in my mid twenties.  I am living in Canada and come from an Asian culture.  In November of last year, I was introduced to a lady for the
purpose of an arranged marriage.  After we met in person, we started talking to each other via phone and e-mail as we lived in different cities.  I really liked this person but was always too nervous to talk openly to her
and tell her how I feel.  So for two months we talked to each other about twice a week but still I would always chicken out when it came to talking seriously to her (maybe I wasn't ready for this??  Plus me being three times as shy as an average person also doesn't help).  Anyway, she broke things off in early January this year.  At first I figured it was good things are over and that I could go back to my normal dull life.  But then I started to feel bad knowing that there was this great girl I was talking to and I in essence told her to get lost by not talking to her openly even though I wanted to really really bad.  Since January I have e-mailed her twice (two separate occasions) to just say hi and let her know what been going on with me.   She replied back with a nice
e-mail telling me the same but that's it.  Her birthday is coming up (I don't know why I remember that) and I was thinking of sending her a card and writing a short letter on the card telling how I felt and that I wish things
were different.  I guess my question is should or shouldn't I do this?  I'm unsure of what her reaction might be.  Would I be breaking any "relationship rules" by doing this.  If I do send the card what would be a good thing to write.  Any help would be much appreciated.

A. I don't think you can go wrong by sending her a card for her birthday. You wouldn't be breaking any "regular" relationship rules ... but I'm not sure if you would be breaking any cultural rules (seeing that this was to lead to an arranged marriage). I think she will be flattered, if nothing else, and you will have a chance to "clean things up".  Now, what to write in the card ...  here's a possibility ... it's her birthday so make her feel special on her very special day (say nice things about her) then, you could add that you'd never want to put her on the spot but you'd love another opportunity to go out with her and that you realized (a little too late) how your shyness and nervousness got in the way of really getting to know each other better. Tell her that you believe in learning from mistakes and ask if she could find it in her heart to give you another chance. How does that sound? I wish you the best and please let me know how things work out.
Deb

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